I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
