Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
