John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I supernannyed him into submission
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
