I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
