she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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