hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize