I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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