the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
