So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
