The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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