I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize