i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
