You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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