she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
