she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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