Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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