I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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