I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize