My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
