I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Vodka?
Forever.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
