oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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