the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize