Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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