when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
