just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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