so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
