Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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