Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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