He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
