she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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