1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize