how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize