at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
