I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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