At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
