hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
