I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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