moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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