Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize