There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
