the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize