you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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