Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
