I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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