Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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