Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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