i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
