I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
