My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
