I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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