Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
