hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
