Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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