so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
