I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Someone shit on the floor
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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