I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
