if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You brought string cheese to the strip club
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
