It was confusing and full of hummus
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize