my sisters under your porch take her home
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
