Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
