Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
