Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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