The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
