I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
