i will never coherently bang her
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
