one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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