the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
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