he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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