the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
