dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It's shark week go big or go home
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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